Thought of the Day 02.25.09

My two older boys continually fight with each other, which is essentially just another way of saying I have two older boys. When they fight, I ask them the same question. “Do you love me?” They both say, “Yes, daddy.” “Good. Now I want you to love each other the way I love you, and that’s how you can show me that you really love me.” “Okay, daddy.” This usually works for about 90 seconds or so, but that’s okay because I’m more interested in embedding this principle than in it working just yet.

When I had a birthday recently, my sons both gave me gifts…which was nice. And every day when I come home, they give me a hug and tell me they love me. And every night they kiss me good-night.

But one of these days, I hope they will realize that the only real way they can show me they love me is by obeying me and loving one another. See, at some point, all those other expressions of love start to seem rather hollow if they aren’t backed up by showing me love in the way I really want it.
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2 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I'm interested in how to keep this from being a one-way authoritarian edict. If "you love me" = "you do what I say," what happens when the child comes back and says, "you don't love me because you don't do what I say"?

February 24, 2009 at 8:35 PM
Andrew Tallman said...

Love between equals is very different from love between people in an authority relationship. Some of the ways we show love for each other are reciprocal: "I love you," gifts, hugs, time spent together, etc.

But some of the ways we show love for each other are decidedly non-reciprocal because I am the parent and they are the children. My duties as parent are to provide for their material, emotional, intellectual, and spirutal needs. Their duties as children are to obey and honor me. Partially this is a matter of moral obligation, but it's healthier to simply recognize that I love my sons by meeting their needs and they love me by doing what I say.

The key distinction is the relationship of authority, which will mean that there are certain elements of the relationship which will never be reciprocal...just like between us and God.

February 26, 2009 at 6:09 PM

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