What's the goal?

Last night, while the rest of us watched TV together, Ethan (age five) had gone into the playroom and was occupying himself. Now, as any parent knows, the most distressing noise in a house full of children is quiet. So, having heard no sound from the other room for quite awhile, I went to check on him.

But when I opened the door, I was completely stunned by his response. Looking up from the picture he was coloring, Ethan gave me a murderous look, gritted his teeth, and ordered me to, “Get out!” in the strongest tone he could muster. Baffled, I asked him what was wrong several times, but I kept getting the same basic reaction: fury. Now, normally such behavior isn’t tolerated, but there seemed to be something extra weird going on here, which made me pause before jumping into discipline-and-correct mode.

And in that moment of pause, I considered how God deals with me when I’m angry. Despite often making jokes about being struck by God’s wrathful lightning for some smart-aleck remark or minor indiscretion, the reality is that God is extraordinarily gentle with me. In fact, His normal response to my anger is to wait until I calm down and then talk to me softly. So, instead of pushing for a confrontation with my son, I decided to yield to him for the moment, and I left.

When I returned a bit later, the door was locked, a specifically prohibited action. So I knocked and told him to open the door. When he did so, his anger was still obvious, so I told him in the most gentle voice possible that he must never lock the door and that if he needed a few more minutes to finish, he should ask for it instead of demanding. He did so, and I acquiesced.

A few minutes later, his mood had totally changed. I asked him if he had just needed some extra time to finish, and he said yes. I even honored his project by asking him if he wanted me to put it somewhere special overnight so it wouldn’t be damaged by the other boys in the morning, which he appreciated. And in the course of a few brief, gentle interactions, I watched him become not only unmad at me, but tenderly affectionate and smiling in his eagerness to express his love for me.

It’s not hard to imagine an extremely different outcome if I had gone instead for instant obedience and correction at the first sign of trouble. But instead, I went with God’s own example in Fathering me. It’s odd, but I had never before realized that, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” would apply to my own children in addition to enemies and oppressors. (Proverbs 15:1)

1 comment:

Judi said...

Today I was all set to go into work and have "a talk" with my co-worker about flaky behavior and the consequences it held for not just his position, but mine as well. I practiced in the car. I had it all worked out. I walked in and initially nothing seemed different. But then I noticed he could barely talk, could hardly breathe through the words, and broke down in front of me. Before I had a moment to utter my well-rehearsed diatribe, through the sobs I made out, "My mom needs chemotherapy."

Thank God that He knows me so much better than I know myself. If only *I* had stopped and taken into consideration “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” I might have able to be there for him in his moment of pain and anquish. Instead, only by His grace did I not embarrass myself and so much more importantly, not cause further pain to my co-worker. God is good, and I still have plenty of lessons to learn.