What is envy?

Okay, pop quiz to see how well you understand children.

Imagine you have three young boys and somehow you come into possession of four objects of considered value (muffins, golf balls, paper clips, whatever). How should you dole them out?

Thinking like a foolish adult, you might say, “Give one to each of them and then give the extra to someone randomly.”

In theory this sounds great. But here is how this will play out in reality. Three otherwise fairly happy children will suddenly all become miserable. The two who got “only” one item will be resentful and furious to not have gotten two. And the one who got two will now be plagued with all the security concerns of the wealthy and the torment of his jealous brothers.

Even when doled out equally, squabbling often ensues. But when doled out unequally, full-scale civil war is guaranteed. This is because, according to the principles of toddler math, some is not better than none. Some is always worse than none because it is less than more.

So here’s what you do. You give each child his own golf ball (preferably all the same color) and you then throw out the extra one. See, sin always requires a sacrifice.

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